Scream: Ghostface Protocol
On loving the horror franchise when you hate horror movies
This is the greatest movie marketing I’ve seen in a long time. TL;DR: Paramount Pictures placed a Ghostface in Sonoma1 ostensibly to promote the upcoming Scream sixquel but at press time has not claimed it was a publicity stunt.
Yeah, it’s creepy as fuck, but I’m more struck by how lonely he looks. Ghostface wandering the park alone after a rain. Ghostface standing outside the restaurant waiting because they won’t seat him until his whole party is here. I’ve never felt so close to Ghostface.
For real: good job, Paramount marketing department. I did already want to see Scream VI, but the only thing holding me back is Scream 5 (technically just “Scream,” but the first one is called Scream and I’m not a fan of this trend to use the exact same name for a later film that is not a remake). The issue with Scream 5? I haven’t seen it. I realize this movie is immediately available to me, but I have a longstanding history with horror. The history is, I hate it. I (like my friend Becky), would rather read the wiki instead. Those wikis still scare me! The imagination is a wild place.
But Scream has always been different for me. I’ve loved the franchise since I was a teen. Fact: Scream was the first movie I ever walked out of! I stayed for the best, scariest opening of all time, but mere scenes later, when the killer hits Sydney’s house in broad daylight, I was outside of the theater on a bench. I couldn’t do it. Months later, when the movie came out on video,2 I came back to it, closed-ish my eyes for the worst parts and since then, I’ve watched and loved every installment since (except 5; I swear I am getting to why).
I love the story; I love Sydney and her character arc and its lean-in to trauma over girl-power fakery. I love Gail and her caustic tongue and her evolving friendship with Sydney. I love Kevin Williamson’s dialogue, when he has a hand in it. It is THE defining horror genre for us geriatric millennials.
So: Scream 5, which came out just last year. I could give an excuse about not having the same freedom to go to the theater (ugh, kids) but it’s really that even this horror franchise just hits different in a post-pandemic world. Since I decided to finally finish Breaking Bad in April of 2020 (great show/bad time), I put most anxiety-inducing series on a shelf in favor of things that make me laugh, make me happy, generally make me feel very little existential dread (I have a list going of these shows, if anyone needs it). The world had enough of it. I didn’t need more coming from my extracurriculars.
Now, even though the world is open for business and we all seem resigned to get Covid a couple times a year, I have only just dipped my toe into things that might make me a little scared and uncomfortable. It’s going pretty well!. I enjoyed Nope even though I could barely get through the trailer for Us (hearing “I’ve Got 5 on It” is now like someone whispering “Mufasaaa” in my hyena ear).
I genuinely liked The Menu even though I ultimately wanted more from it. Real horror fans are saying those aren’t real horror movies, and I agree. The Scream movies, though, are, and I’m just not sure I’m ready. My brain has a hard time seeing gory scenes and thinking of them as fake, fun, and it can’t really convince me that bad men aren’t ever going to find me or anyone I love. (On a similar note, I can also no longer read, hear, or watch true crime things.)
So that’s where I am. I envy you if you can say “they’re just movies.” They’ve never been “just movies” to me. They’ve always been magical escapes or terrifying mirrors of possibility. (The movie theater is my church! I will shoosh you! I will argue against your right to look at your phone in the dark! Ask Becky!) Movies are as real as anything else.
But the issue is I really want to see Ghostface on a subway! The bad men there are usually doing things with their genitals to innocents, so maybe in this sequel, he can just get stabby on them. OK, I’ve talked myself into it. Double feature, anyone?
In the meantime… I’m watching Daisy Jones and the Six and… liking it, I guess. I will have complete thoughts in my next installment!
Really cute; key scenes in the first movie were shot in Sonoma. Eat your heart out, wine!
I am so very old